Sunday, August 13, 2017

Life Update- What is really going on?

Hello and thank you for reading my blog!

I am going to totally work on being more "lifestyle" and a healthy mix of education mixed in. A lot and I mean A LOT has been changing over the past few months. I want to always be super transparent with how things are really going because sometimes I do feel that being completely vulnerable is a great way for me to connect to many of you!

Let's talk struggle. Yes I struggle just like I know we ALL struggle with certain aspects in our life. For me, the place I struggle have been really apparent the past few months. I have been going through a lot of soul searching and re-prioritizing my life ( in a good way) of what I truly value. For the longest time, probably the past 8-10 years, I have been chasing this perfection in everything I do. Basically living in the EXTREME and it's time for a big change.

This is the question that I have been trying to ask myself this past month, who am I ? What impact and value do I want to share with the world to make a small difference in someone's life? I needed to step back and identify this and boy did I get a rude awakening when I did.

In the fitness industry, you are constantly trying to improve. Whether that is knowledge on nutrition which I've invested time and money into to learn to be a better coach for my clients. Obtaining more certifications to better educate any fitness related goal my clients have or simply just doing endless amounts of research on nutrition, fitness trends, and health related content that comes out. Truly this is my passion but to what extent is is "healthy"?

I took fitness to a new level when I competed in shows. Chasing this idea of perfection which had an underlying issue that I was constantly hiding which is my eating disorder. Doing shows was a way to be able to control my exercise (excessive that is) control my food ( limit intake) for a "purpose" that way people see it as a "goal" not a "problem".  Who was I kidding in that time that people saw it as dedication yet I saw it as validation of living life in an extreme for the sole purpose of dieting because I wanted to be skinny. Little did I know that post show life is way harder than doing a show and you can't stay stage lean for long. So I shifted gears to CrossFit to put on size, which gave me an excuse to feel validated for gaining some weight back ( weight that was necessary).

Moving into CrossFit, again the "extreme" mentality kicks in and I found myself training for hours on end. Let's face it, CrossFit has many holes in your training and a lot of things to get better at so I found it necessary to try to be the best. You see I have an issue with not being the best at something especially when I am a coach or trainer because you want to prove you are worthy of teaching others by being good at what you do. I wish I understood that this didn't matter yet, you live and learn.

Ok moving forward, when I figured out that being the best wasn't going to be an option and weight was creeping up, once again I turned to a show prep to try to give myself reason to diet but also an excuse to be "ok" at CF and not the best. You see the cycle happening again, yet this time my body was just in too much stress that dieting worked AGAINST me and it just didn't work. Why? Because when you are constantly living in an extreme your body revolts against you and nothing works.

Oh so when that didn't work, I moved onto Powerlifting. Yup, you see this change in gears to "gain weight" be strong with reason to be. So here we go again, trying to prove myself to others in gaining validation to fit in into something and BAM..... injury happens. This is the most injured that I have been in my whole fitness career and let me say it was a blessing. Herniated disc and partial tear in my pirifomis muscle ( glutes) has me not training legs AT ALL. Nope nothing.

So here is where I am at today. Looking back on my fitness career, unsatisfied because I was only trying to "fit in" instead of finding what really makes me happy. Helping people is a passion and I am lucky enough to be working with Jason Phillips Nutrition and all the coaches and mentors who are there for support along the way to make me better as a coach. But what really makes me happy? Did chasing perfection really make me happy? No, because I limited my life. Did living in an extreme make me happy ? No, I pushed away many opportunities to do dedicate to prepping for a show that I had blinders on. Now what?

TIME TO GET HEALTHY ! Yes, for as much as I preach health, I was not healthy. Was I taking care of my body? No. My mind? No. My passion? No. So what really makes me happy? Living a life of balance and free from extreme thinking. Being injured gave me time to think about what I value. I am no longer going to chase perfection. I want to live  a healthy and balanced life. I want to dig deeper into my craft for nutrition, education, and helping others live a healthy lifestyle in the process. I am allowed to be validated with the knowledge and credentials I have to provide value to others. Education and learning are two things that make me happy. So now I am dedicating myself to really doing research to help others.

Moving forward my goals are the following:

1.) Live a balanced life out of extreme thinking
2.) Eat healthy without restrictions
3.) Exercise to be healthy not punishment or to "be something"
4.) Challenge your mind to yoga once a week
5.) Continue to help others with training and nutrition to create healthy habits for others.

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